Daily prayer and meditation is a practice that just about all my role models have advocated in one way or another. The routine can be very powerful - and I have found that sanctuary-in-time of daily morning prayer and meditation can be a profound space where conscious contact with the Creator is truly possible.

But I'm late! But I have to get downtown! But I don't WANT to get up. I know I told myself when I set this alarm that I was going to get up, but my 6:30am self has reassessed the situation, and clearly we must stay in bed until noon!

These are the obstacles. In addition to sharing my history with you, my thoughts on texts and recovery and spiritual concepts - I will also be updating you on prayer and meditation. These are growing practices for me - and they I certainly need practice.

The english transliteration in the above photo is of the Sh'ma - a central Jewish prayer that is said in the morning and in the evening. This prayer looms large for any observant Jew, but for me, it also brings with it the connotations and practice of repetitive prayer, a practice I encountered at boarding school. Ultimately, it is a reminder that I am not Gd; indeed the job is taken and they're not accepting résumés today. It also reminds us that Gd is One. There is one Gd, all the other minor deities we chase - our comfort, money, power, sex - are distractions. So this prayer not only puts us in our place, but Gd in His/Her.

שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל יְהוָה אֱלֹהֵינוּ יְהוָה אֶחָד

Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad

Hear O Israel, the Lord is our Gd, the Lord is One.

Slogan Roundup vol. 1 - This too shall pass

Gam zeh ya'avor - This too shall pass

Welcome reader to our first edition of the Slogan Roundup. Slogans are an important part of every ingroup. They reinforce modes of thought. They distill world views. They also identify members of the group to each other. Words that are quite simple and ordinary, when placed together and repeated with deeply implied significance instantly communicate a world of meaning to the informed listener. They hold great power, and they are an important tool for communal support and coherence.

I begin with a slogan I first encountered in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous: this too shall pass. This too shall pass. This, and this, and also this. What I loved about this slogan is its evenhandedness. It struck me as profoundly accurate, comforting, and even empowering. It means that not only will whatever difficulty that now blocks you up will pass, but that all difficulties will, eventually pass. Implicit in this is the fleeting nature of relief as well. Good times, like the bad, will eventually pass. Life is good, and life is bad.

Is it Jewish? Our slogan, as the picture indicates, has at the very least been translated into hebrew: Gam zeh ya'avor. We see that while the saying perhaps has Turkish or Persian origins, that stories in Jewish folklore tie the saying to King Solomon. Some sources say that beyond having Jewish roots, GZ"Y belies a deeply Jewish perspective on the universe. Sunrise, sunset. It might be feared that this attitude would incite a passive, defeatist way of operating. But to the contrary, it is an accurate assessment of the world around us, without which we live in a clouded fantasy of best guesses and wishful thinking. We trust that whatever we are up against, it is there to benefit us. If you believe in Gd, you would go the step further and say that it also serves a role in the grand drama of cosmic existence. If you aren't a believer, or are vaguely agnostic, there is a wonderfully practical benefit to accepting the abiding nature of change.

This slogan offers solace in times of pain, and bids prudence when times are fat. It accepts that anything worth building is also worth maintaining - be that something physical, a relationship, sobriety, or your spiritual fitness.

I'll share one personal story dealing with this slogan: There have been a handful, perhaps more, maybe less, of significant dreams in my life. Literally dreams, not my aspirations, but those fictitious images that dance before your consciousness in those dim hours of semi-reality while our eyes move rapidly.

I had this one while I was in high school - boarding school. I think it was some time during my senior year. I was dreaming. sitting in the back seat of a sedan. I think I was traveling down a street in my hometown. It could have been somewhere else though. All I know is I was more visually and sensorially struck by the sunlight passing through the elm and oak trees. I could see the light flash between shade and direct contact. I could almost pick out the individual leave-shapes that had instantaneously blocked the suns rays before they burst forth in a white bliss that enveloped all my visual range. I knew there were drivers of this car. I assumed it was my parents, but as an adult I remember no direct evidence of this fact. I remember only a sense that whomever drove knew exactly the route and manors to get us wherever it was we were headed. I know now it was simply that the destination did not matter.

All of these observations took but an instant. And almost as soon as these realities congealed in my consciousness, I began to sense some panic. It was a panic that could find no solace in what I had heretofore experienced in the dream. My mind raced with all sorts of ill-outcomes. "How could we be simply driving down the street when people were starving?!" came one thought. "But there's so much to do, I will never finish it all!!" came another.

But then, almost as instantaneously as these moments of panic arrived, a comforting wash came over my whole being. I knew instantly that everything would be ok. I knew that this, whatever it was, would pass. That its successor, whatever it was, would pass as well. I knew that through all those passages, that someone, this light, these leaves, the car's driver, this simple warm feeling of faith, would protect me, no matter what would come my way. I knew absolutely that I would be fine, as each scenario and instance passed, safely behind me in my experience.

This dream stayed with me. The sense of comfort and faith has abided for years. I know very little about how Gd operates, but I know there is biblical precedence for dream communiqués - and I am happy to assume that the Almighty reached me in a similar way this one time (it wouldn't be the only one, but more on that in another post...)

This too shall pass. Gam zeh ya'avor. גם זה יעבור

I give this slogan a solid rating of T - truth. This too shall pass is pure T, to be followed, repeated, shared and pursued. It's the "T.'

Grading Slogans - Slogan Roundup Administrativa

Not every slogan is as positive and powerful as another. I think it would actually be a service to rate the effectiveness and morality of any slogan coming our way here at Prodigal Punim. For the purposes of Slogan Roundups, we will make recommendations according to the following scale:

T - truth - follow it, repeat it, share it, pursue it; it's the T.
H - helpful - it might be conceived in nonsense, but it has practical value, given the right interpretation.
N - neutral - believe it, don't - what do we care. Like music taste, this is a matter of style and we endorse it insofar as it makes us cook.
M - misleading - perhaps good intentions clearly pervade a bad suggestion, or maybe there is good to be learned from the wild-goose-chase necessitated by implementing some slogan or idea
C - only a Cretin would believe such a thing - some slogan exists only to keep people in line. They aren’t there for you, they’re there for everyone else. If and when we find these, we hope to keep you aware. Steer clear of any slogan ranking a C.

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

My time in AA began sans online resources. I'm not totally sure, but I think my first 12-step meeting was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting at our local hospital (coincidentally, the same hospital in which I had been born). It must have been while I was in outpatient rehab during my sophomore year of high school; fall of 1997. The Internet existed, but only in a Geocities/DIY sense. Meetings still pushed paper pamphlets and printed books. And both NA and AA meetings had large signs- poster boards or actual pieces of particle board- painted with the 12 steps. This post serves as my plaque on the wall. Though my first encounter with the steps was through Narcotics Anonymous, I provide the version below excepted from the AA basic text. This is the original form of the text as it appears in the so-called "Big Book." I preserve some introductory remarks, from page 58-60 in Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed.:

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to old on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 

Prodigal Punim

What's a Punim anyway?

Hello. As I begin posting here, I thought it was best to introduce myself. I come from mixed stock, and grew up in the lap of suburban upper-middle-class bliss. And like most of my peers I was totally disaffected, socially awkward, a closeted gay-boy who had no idea what any of that meant. (Perhaps less than most of my peers were closeted gay-boys, but I digress.)

I was almost originally-interested in getting high. I mean, I knew I didn't fit in with my peers at school, at all. I had a small group of friends who were two and three years older than me that I knew from summer camp. As they (perhaps at a more age-appropriate stage) began experimenting with alcohol, marijuana, LSD, and other drugs that were available and stylish at the time, I did too. So at 11 and 12 I began smoking pot, drinking, experimenting with all kinds of sexuality. This was it. I had been waiting for this. I couldn't ever do it alone, I didn't even know what I thought was missing. But whatever it was, fucking off and getting stoned were the best stand-ins I'd found yet. 

I am genetically half-Jewish. My mother's side is German and English (with some Mayflower blood), and originally Congregationalist Christian (though my mother converted to Judaism when she married my father in the decade before my birth). My father comes from Ukrainian, Russian, and German Jewish stock. Generations of irreligion had left us fairly unobservant and ignorant. I would not say that Judaism or my Jewishness was a source of anything other than burden - certainly not spiritual fulfillment or guidance. 

I retro-suspect that my connection with those camp friends was at least partially because they were also Jewish. I was surrounded by mostly non-Jews in my life, besides the times when I was physically inside the synagogue. Camp was an environment that was almost entirely Jewish - though not religious or even intentionally culturally so. The camp was totally secular but populated by Jewish boys from all around the US. Perhaps I'm overstating cultural understanding, but these guys were much more my speed. It helped too that the normal age barriers set up by school were more pliable at camp, so that I found boys who were closer to my maturity (or immaturity) level. 

The experimentation continued through middle school. My relationship with my parents deteriorated precipitously. I ran away from home in 7th grade - after which I had my first run ins with jails and institutions. I spent 10 days at an in-patient adolescent psychiatric ward, and 5 weeks at a day-treatment school in a neighboring suburb. Needless to say, much of that year was something of a wash.

I returned to private school in '95. This was the year I became a daily user. It was the last year I would have before a near continuos stream of interventions that escalated to the point of my being sent to an emotional growth boarding school in upstate New York. This chapter of my life, though only two years long was seminal in many ways. I will be writing more about that residential treatment experience, how it helped, and how it hurt. There are components of myself that are only there because of my time at this place. There are other things I've struggled with almost continually because of their unique and quite orthodox approach to the 12-steps.

I was very much treated as a prodigal son when I returned from boarding school and headed to college. Well, as much as my folks could muster it. They still had zero trust in me, and I've spent the last 12 years earning that trust back. But there was a potent sense that I had been lost - as good as dead - but was now returned. I was going to 9 meetings a week. constantly studying the Big Book and the 12&12, praying in the ways they taught me at boarding school.

I spent years wrapped up in 12-step groups of all stripes. Every day at the boarding school was one giant AA meeting with homework and no smoking. In college I attended every meeting that was practical at first. By the end, however, the novelty was wearing very thin, and the limitations of the program began to make themselves quite apparent to me. Again, I will write more extensively on this entire experience, but suffice it to say at this early date that I had mastered what AA and its sister programs had to teach me, but I was far from 'recovered' or totally restored to sanity. I tapped deeper into my roots, into Judaism.

And I used. I used and felt bad. I went to therapy and I prayed. I would return to meetings, but I couldn't listen to it anymore. It was too deeply tied to my experiences at boarding school. I used and felt bad, and used more and felt worse. It took years to find a way to be me. To accept who I am. To allow myself to be that person without the guilt trip. Without the judgement of some impossible standard, and without constantly finding fault in me.

This blog is dedicated to documenting my experience in the world of mental health, self-help, support groups and religious/spiritual growth. It is a portion memoir, a portion review site, a portion critique of extant forms, a place for reviewing and commenting upon the meat of 12-step recovery, its shortcomings, and how this Prodigal Punim balances it today.